The majority of women who have ever given birth have felt it – that little niggle of low grade vibration in the back of your brain. The feeling appears every time you try to go somewhere alone, leave your child with a sitter, or wish for a few more minutes of sleep despite the crying noises on the monitor. Basically, any time you even think about putting your own wants or needs above your child’s. One would think this physical manifestation of guilt would disappear as children get old, but in certain areas it never goes away completely.
My kids are now old enough to fold their own laundry, fix some basic meals, and clean the bathroom. Despite their growing self-sufficiency, I still feel guilty for leaving them to their own devices in the evenings so I can write. The hubby says they’ll be fine, but he has no clue how hard it is to turn off Mommy Guilt.
There are a few (very few) techniques I’ve learned over the years to combat that niggling feeling. Maybe if I write them all down in one place, I’ll remember to use them during my upcoming writing push.
1. Cuddle First, Work Later
Okay, so my kids are really too big now to cuddle, but it doesn’t stop them from trying…or from wanting attention. I find there are fewer interruptions if I give them some one-on-one time before I work, rather than after. Fill up the attention-deficit, and they’re usually good for a while.
2. Distraction
I’ve heard all the childcare experts, but I’m still not above using the television, video games, computer, etc. to distract my kids while I work. I simply save it for when I know I’ll be busy, then turn them loose.
3. Firm Boundaries
I’m lucky in that my kids still want to talk to me all the time. But that makes working at home hard. Now that my kids are old enough, I can employ the ole “don’t bother me unless there’s fire or blood” caveat. The fewer interruptions I have, the lesser my guilt, maybe because I feel less like I’m abandoning them.
Giving them a firm boundary (and specific exceptions) helps minimize interruptions. Most of the time, I’ve also employed a visual boundary as a reminder. You see, my office has an open doorway between me and the rest of the house. Its really an extension of the laundry room. So hubby helped me hang a sheet across the expanse that I can either pull back (open) or let down (closed). This door reminds the kids that mommy is working. If they stand on the other side and talk, I tell them to leave or just ignore them (every kid, no matter their age, will test his or her boundaries). But in time they’ve learned to abide by them.
These are my very slim options for managing my kids and my guilt, but I’d love to have more! How do you minimize the guilt when you know you need to take time away from being “Mommy”?
As I pondered what to share with my readers this Monday, which here in the United States is a Memorial Day holiday where we honor our military men and women for their service past and present, I was reminded of a Facebook post I read on the London military serviceman slaughtered in a terrorist attack there last week. The poster called the man a hero, but was argued with by a commenter who claimed military personnel didn't want to be called heroes. Yet that term is used all the time by civilians and even their own superiors as they recognize these men and women's sacrifices.
So what are heroes, really?
This is a term that's become commonplace to me and other romance writers because its the designation we use for our protagonists. Heroes and heroines are our main characters and we refer to them as such even after they have their own names. We use it in plotting, discussions, classes, and even advertisements (hunky hero pics, anyone?).
But I think, at its core, the meaning of the title "hero" is the same. Far from the sexy man cliche, truly formed, well-written romance heroes are men willing to risk everything to be with and protect those they love. Sometimes they may risk their lives, but other times they may be risking lifelong beliefs and behaviors that have been at the core of their existences, putting their emotional lives on the line for something more powerful than themselves.
Here in the US, our military personnel, law enforcement, rescue and medical personnel put themselves at risk every day -- for what? Low pay, continually dwindling benefits, and often times a country that doesn't seem to value what they risk on their jobs. No, I firmly believe most of them show up because they believe in what they're doing and believe its worth the risk. Whether they ever take a bullet is irrelevant. Risking themselves (health, life, family) for something they believe in is heroic.
I have friends in law enforcement, uncles and a father who served in the military, and have lived long-term in 2 military towns. None of those close to me have died in the line of duty, but I still consider their service to our towns and our country heroic.
And isn't the fact that they don't consider themselves heroes make them that much more so in our eyes?
Share with us what hero you want to honor today!
Dani
So what are heroes, really?
This is a term that's become commonplace to me and other romance writers because its the designation we use for our protagonists. Heroes and heroines are our main characters and we refer to them as such even after they have their own names. We use it in plotting, discussions, classes, and even advertisements (hunky hero pics, anyone?).
But I think, at its core, the meaning of the title "hero" is the same. Far from the sexy man cliche, truly formed, well-written romance heroes are men willing to risk everything to be with and protect those they love. Sometimes they may risk their lives, but other times they may be risking lifelong beliefs and behaviors that have been at the core of their existences, putting their emotional lives on the line for something more powerful than themselves.
Here in the US, our military personnel, law enforcement, rescue and medical personnel put themselves at risk every day -- for what? Low pay, continually dwindling benefits, and often times a country that doesn't seem to value what they risk on their jobs. No, I firmly believe most of them show up because they believe in what they're doing and believe its worth the risk. Whether they ever take a bullet is irrelevant. Risking themselves (health, life, family) for something they believe in is heroic.
I have friends in law enforcement, uncles and a father who served in the military, and have lived long-term in 2 military towns. None of those close to me have died in the line of duty, but I still consider their service to our towns and our country heroic.
And isn't the fact that they don't consider themselves heroes make them that much more so in our eyes?
Share with us what hero you want to honor today!
Dani
Today the Ruby Slippered Sisterhood is letting me talk writing, family, and RWA's Golden Heart award with my very own sister, author Ella Sheridan! Join us for all kinds of fun today! www.rubyslipperedsisterhood.com
This week, my Book Worm will take a trip for a band competition and be gone to a major theme part for 5 days -- without me.
*knees go weak*
You see, as a creative person, my imagination isn't always used for good. As a matter of fact, we authors often look for the best way to screw up our characters' lives, because it makes the emotional payoff that much higher in the end. So when imagining everything that could happen to her while she's gone, my brain goes to Worst Case Scenario first.
From the Extreme: What if she's kidnapped from the park? What if her belt isn't tight enough on the rides?
Then there's the milder "mommy" worries: What if she gets lost in the park and gets scared? What if she gets sick and is afraid to ask for help? What if she spends all her money and doesn't have enough left for meals?
This imagination can so work against me here. Even though I'm friends with the Mom in charge of her walking group, the fears still run rampant.
This is a big trust challenge for her too. Because I do know that Mom, I'll really know how she acts that far away from me. Since middle school this has been a bit of a challenge. So, that's a slight fear too. Which only feeds the worry Monster.
What's the way to alleviate this? Well, I don't have a lot of answers here. I can't make it go away altogether. But I'm trying to at least lower the worry quotient by:
1. Redirecting my thoughts. Distraction is my friend during these times, as well as Facebook. :)
2. Talk to her. Instead of bombarding her all at once, I've been dropping little tidbits like, "Pay attention and don't wander from your group for any reason" when I can slip it naturally into the conversation. It helps that she's so excited that she wants to talk about the trip ALL THE TIME.
3. Pray. Being a Mom has strengthened my need for faith. I can't be with her always, but God can. I believe He hears every fervent prayer, and won't allow anything to happen that we can't handle with His help.
4. Remember, we've been teaching her for years. She can't prove herself trustworthy without the opportunity. And mistakes are the best learning experiences -- even if, as a mother, I'd rather not see her have to experience anything bad.
So I'm open to advice about surviving this new milestone (especially since I'm sure I'll face many more of these moments during the teen years).
Dani
P.S. Check in tomorrow! It's Release Day for Finding Her Rhythm!!!!
Aargh! I’m drowning in work stuff, kid stuff, writing stuff…and now my brain has said its HAD ENOUGH!
Sound familiar? Or am I the only over-achiever wannabe in the room? I want to be the best Mom, wife, daughter, employee, writer I can be. Until I run down with exhaustion. Not good.
So I’m adopting a concept I’ve used with my kids and have heard of others doing. I take a “Mental Health Day”. As a planner, mine have an agenda, of course. They must involve some combination of the following:
1. No work.
That means no day job (if I have PTO, sometimes even if I don’t), but sometimes I schedule it for those oh-too-few Monday holidays. It also means no writing, typing, research, blogging, etc. Yes, writing is fun, but its work for the brain – which needs rest and recuperation.
2. Have fun.
No dishes or laundry. Only activities that I enjoy and refill my depleted energy and enthusiasm. Mine include: reading, watching movies, and scrapbooking.
3. Take a nap.
My perfect day includes an uninterrupted nap. That’s just me. You might have a different heavenly activity, but I love to snuggle down into a fuzzy blanket mid-afternoon and drift away for a while.
I don't get to indulge in them nearly often enough, but I think days whose sole purpose is to renew and refresh your brain are very important. Those are my 3 must-haves for a perfect Mental Health Day. What are yours?
Sound familiar? Or am I the only over-achiever wannabe in the room? I want to be the best Mom, wife, daughter, employee, writer I can be. Until I run down with exhaustion. Not good.
So I’m adopting a concept I’ve used with my kids and have heard of others doing. I take a “Mental Health Day”. As a planner, mine have an agenda, of course. They must involve some combination of the following:
1. No work.
That means no day job (if I have PTO, sometimes even if I don’t), but sometimes I schedule it for those oh-too-few Monday holidays. It also means no writing, typing, research, blogging, etc. Yes, writing is fun, but its work for the brain – which needs rest and recuperation.
2. Have fun.
No dishes or laundry. Only activities that I enjoy and refill my depleted energy and enthusiasm. Mine include: reading, watching movies, and scrapbooking.
3. Take a nap.
My perfect day includes an uninterrupted nap. That’s just me. You might have a different heavenly activity, but I love to snuggle down into a fuzzy blanket mid-afternoon and drift away for a while.
I don't get to indulge in them nearly often enough, but I think days whose sole purpose is to renew and refresh your brain are very important. Those are my 3 must-haves for a perfect Mental Health Day. What are yours?
It’s eventually the lament of all mothers – my baby is growing up.
Mothers feel it at every stage – first tooth, first steps, first day of school, braces and so on. So many milestones in our children’s lives that prompt us to immerse ourselves in memories even while we celebrate every new stage.
This week, I’ll once more reminisce about my baby girl, and step with fear and trembling (and pride too) into the unknown territory of the teenage years. In the last year, she’s grown taller than me, started experimenting with make-up, and learned to tame her mass of curly hair. She’s managing middle school and even walked dogs for money over the summer. I can’t believe how grown she acts sometimes, but we still glimpse enough of the kid in her to smile at occasionally.
I, myself, am not ready for what I’m sure is coming, and I think that’s the source of my fear. Will I know how to assist and guide her through school troubles, boy troubles, and myriad new situations? Will she still talk to me? Will she listen, even a little bit?
Either way, I’ll wake her with a Happy Birthday and watch as she fixes her hair and puts on make-up, going off to school looking like the cool teenager she is now. Because time keeps moving forward, even when I long for the simpler days of her childhood.
If y’all have any advice for me, I’d love to hear it! Or tell me a favorite memory of time with your parents during your teenage years.
I, myself, am not ready for what I’m sure is coming, and I think that’s the source of my fear. Will I know how to assist and guide her through school troubles, boy troubles, and myriad new situations? Will she still talk to me? Will she listen, even a little bit?
Either way, I’ll wake her with a Happy Birthday and watch as she fixes her hair and puts on make-up, going off to school looking like the cool teenager she is now. Because time keeps moving forward, even when I long for the simpler days of her childhood.
If y’all have any advice for me, I’d love to hear it! Or tell me a favorite memory of time with your parents during your teenage years.
I've been through the whole gamut of parenting emotions as a writer. I've felt guilt over taking time away from my children, selfish for yearning for time to myself to "play" with my characters, and condemned by others for, in their estimation, putting my "hobby" above my family. But then again, I've also had the sincerity of being able to truthfully say to my children, "If you really want something, you'll work hard for it. Even when it seems impossible." I've had the joy of introducing my creative daughter to NaNo WriMo and discussing characters and plot with her. I've encouraged her to express her appreciation to authors whose books she's read, and shared the excitement of her first Readers' Luncheon. I've encourage my children to read outside of schoolwork and find it amazing that they don't whine when they get books for Christmas and birthday gifts. Most recently, my son has started creating his own comic books based on a video game he enjoys, with actual story lines. I can marvel over the story AND the artwork.
[caption id="attachment_343" align="aligncenter" width="150"]
"I sprinted over to my hidey-hole!"[/caption]
Being a writing mom, or any mom who has a passion and dream for something in addition to family, is a 2 sided coin. Sometimes it’s hard, and it hurts, but there are joys there to enrich and encourage your creative life. Ideally, that's how this would work. The encouragement from family would feed into that creativity, helping it flourish and expand. Sadly, that's not true in many writers’ lives, those who have family who either ignore or openly disdain their efforts. And even in the best family situation, trying times can drain a mother of the energy she needs for her work. But I’ve realized a few things that help me along:
1. The balance of family and writing will sometimes be unequal. I've faced the fact that I won't get nearly as much done during the summer, when we juggle babysitters and the kids are with me 99% of the time I'm not at the day job. And that's okay. I just have to find a way to work around it.
When I’m on deadline, I need more time and quiet to create faster. That means less time-intensive meals, more TV watching, and the house stays a little dirtier. But since it isn’t that often, we’ve still got some balance overall.
[caption id="attachment_344" align="aligncenter" width="150"]
"I made a workbench out of planks and used it."[/caption]
2. I need space, and that’s the way it is. This need doesn't take away from my family, but enhances it. When I am happy and creative, I'm a happy mother and wife. Doing what I need to take care of myself and refill my internal well is not selfish. An occasional hour alone, savoring the silence. The chance to read, losing myself in another author's story. Setting boundaries around writing time and expecting my children to respect them. All these things teach them respect, that dreams require hard work, and that mommies are people too.
3. That said, there are times when family will have to come first. Kids get sick, crisis happen, and life doesn't stop just because I've got a deadline. This was never more true than when I was pregnant. Mentally, I simply couldn't write, and I had to let go of the guilt from that. My family and my body was changing and that had to take priority. Sometimes it requires me to drink a 5 hour energy shot so I can write after the kids go to bed, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
4. I have a planner/plotter nature, but I also try to remember that the best laid plans won’t work every time. I try to look honestly at what I'm capable of, what my day job demands, what kind of events are going on in kiddie land, and whether or not my husband is going to be available to help. Then I write it all down (it’s the only way I can remember anything). That's the fun part for me, but then I have to walk it every day and sometimes change it as needed. Not so fun for me, but I try. :)
The balance between me, my needs, and how I operate isn’t always ideal for my life, but I try to realize that and work around it. What needs and personality traits do you have that help you in your daily life? Which are a hindrance?
"I sprinted over to my hidey-hole!"[/caption]
Being a writing mom, or any mom who has a passion and dream for something in addition to family, is a 2 sided coin. Sometimes it’s hard, and it hurts, but there are joys there to enrich and encourage your creative life. Ideally, that's how this would work. The encouragement from family would feed into that creativity, helping it flourish and expand. Sadly, that's not true in many writers’ lives, those who have family who either ignore or openly disdain their efforts. And even in the best family situation, trying times can drain a mother of the energy she needs for her work. But I’ve realized a few things that help me along:
1. The balance of family and writing will sometimes be unequal. I've faced the fact that I won't get nearly as much done during the summer, when we juggle babysitters and the kids are with me 99% of the time I'm not at the day job. And that's okay. I just have to find a way to work around it.
When I’m on deadline, I need more time and quiet to create faster. That means less time-intensive meals, more TV watching, and the house stays a little dirtier. But since it isn’t that often, we’ve still got some balance overall.
[caption id="attachment_344" align="aligncenter" width="150"]
"I made a workbench out of planks and used it."[/caption]
2. I need space, and that’s the way it is. This need doesn't take away from my family, but enhances it. When I am happy and creative, I'm a happy mother and wife. Doing what I need to take care of myself and refill my internal well is not selfish. An occasional hour alone, savoring the silence. The chance to read, losing myself in another author's story. Setting boundaries around writing time and expecting my children to respect them. All these things teach them respect, that dreams require hard work, and that mommies are people too.
3. That said, there are times when family will have to come first. Kids get sick, crisis happen, and life doesn't stop just because I've got a deadline. This was never more true than when I was pregnant. Mentally, I simply couldn't write, and I had to let go of the guilt from that. My family and my body was changing and that had to take priority. Sometimes it requires me to drink a 5 hour energy shot so I can write after the kids go to bed, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
4. I have a planner/plotter nature, but I also try to remember that the best laid plans won’t work every time. I try to look honestly at what I'm capable of, what my day job demands, what kind of events are going on in kiddie land, and whether or not my husband is going to be available to help. Then I write it all down (it’s the only way I can remember anything). That's the fun part for me, but then I have to walk it every day and sometimes change it as needed. Not so fun for me, but I try. :)
The balance between me, my needs, and how I operate isn’t always ideal for my life, but I try to realize that and work around it. What needs and personality traits do you have that help you in your daily life? Which are a hindrance?
One Child At A Time...
I’ve never held to the philosophy that kids should be kids and never have chores or responsibilities. To me, 4 people live in our house and mess it up. So 4 people should clean it (in some proportion or another)
Part of this attitude might stem from my upbringing. By the time I turned 18 and my little brother was born, my mom was able to go to the hospital and have confidence my sis and I could take care of ourselves, the house, and our farm full of animals without burning anything down (we had a wood stove for a heater).
So mine have had “chores” since they were little. We didn’t always call them that. But now they have things they do as part of the family (1 per day), and special things they do to earn allowance. Or money for something in particular: my son empties the bathroom trashes once a week to earn the weekly dues for his Cub Scout meetings.
1-3 years: Picking up their toys. I would gather everything on the floor into 1 big pile and get them to put the pile away. It seemed to be easier because they didn’t have the “find” instinct yet. I also got them to put their plates/cups in the sink. Make this into a clean-up game and it becomes much easier.
3-5 years: Again, picking up toys. At this point, I graduated to cleaning their rooms (with some help from me). Putting away school stuff when they get home (same place every day). Throwing away trash. Feeding animals. Putting their dinner dishes in dishwasher (I’ve heard. I still haven’t been able to accomplish this with mine).
5-7 years: Here’s where the real work begins. They start to have tons of things they’d rather do than help, so we introduced the concept of “chores”. On top of things they have already been doing, they started helping with laundry. First matching socks together. Putting away socks and underwear. Then graduating to folding pants and towels. Only when my son was 8 did we start shirts, and I still have to watch him with those. About 7 years old, we started unloading the dishwasher. Silverware, then cups, plates, bowls.
8-12 years: This is the big years, where they can learn bunches of stuff! My daughter started doing her own laundry, start to finish, when she was 11. She also cleans her bathroom sink and mirrors. We’re currently learning to vacuum. My son cleans the toilet in their bathroom, our glass doors, and dusting with a swiffer.
I imagine after this we’ll be able to move onto washing dishes (thank goodness!) and my daughter has shown an interest in cooking. Yay! We still argue about chores occasionally, but for the most part, everyone pitches in and a lot gets done. Leaving plenty of time for play!
How do you handle chores at your house?
So mine have had “chores” since they were little. We didn’t always call them that. But now they have things they do as part of the family (1 per day), and special things they do to earn allowance. Or money for something in particular: my son empties the bathroom trashes once a week to earn the weekly dues for his Cub Scout meetings.
1-3 years: Picking up their toys. I would gather everything on the floor into 1 big pile and get them to put the pile away. It seemed to be easier because they didn’t have the “find” instinct yet. I also got them to put their plates/cups in the sink. Make this into a clean-up game and it becomes much easier.
3-5 years: Again, picking up toys. At this point, I graduated to cleaning their rooms (with some help from me). Putting away school stuff when they get home (same place every day). Throwing away trash. Feeding animals. Putting their dinner dishes in dishwasher (I’ve heard. I still haven’t been able to accomplish this with mine).
5-7 years: Here’s where the real work begins. They start to have tons of things they’d rather do than help, so we introduced the concept of “chores”. On top of things they have already been doing, they started helping with laundry. First matching socks together. Putting away socks and underwear. Then graduating to folding pants and towels. Only when my son was 8 did we start shirts, and I still have to watch him with those. About 7 years old, we started unloading the dishwasher. Silverware, then cups, plates, bowls.
8-12 years: This is the big years, where they can learn bunches of stuff! My daughter started doing her own laundry, start to finish, when she was 11. She also cleans her bathroom sink and mirrors. We’re currently learning to vacuum. My son cleans the toilet in their bathroom, our glass doors, and dusting with a swiffer.
I imagine after this we’ll be able to move onto washing dishes (thank goodness!) and my daughter has shown an interest in cooking. Yay! We still argue about chores occasionally, but for the most part, everyone pitches in and a lot gets done. Leaving plenty of time for play!
How do you handle chores at your house?
This year, my son decided to join Cub Scouts instead of sports. As my husband works long hours, I approached this new development with trepidation. My sister and I went through Girl Scouts with my mom as our troop leader. An all female environment.
Cub Scouts wasn’t exclusively male when we walked into our first meeting, but women were outnumbered about 10 to 1. Working and volunteering in solely female environments has been my lifetime experience, so I viewed all that testosterone with quite a few nerves.
But my Little Man wanted to do this, so I sucked it up and viewed it as an adventure. Boy, did I learn a lot. :)
--A chance to study males interacting with other males, from youth to adults, was eye-opening…and a little disturbing. Did you know that men can be even bigger gossips than women? At least, here in the south they are. Overhearing these conversations is both surprising and amusing – I’ve learned the full dish on so-and-so’s ex-wife, parents-in-law, and mutual friends.
--They really do care more about sports than I can fathom, and can talk about it for longer than I care to listen. But I guess I’m the same about writing (which I think is way more important), so I shouldn’t judge. Except when they talk over the den leader in their eagerness to argue stats. You’re adults for goodness sake! Be quiet.
--Putting on those uniforms can give both boys and men a whole new demeanor. They stand a little straighter, hold their heads higher, and get a whole aura of importance. I’m glad my son can experience that pride at his age. I think it helps boys grow into men who understand what they are capable of, what they can aspire to.
--These men tend to view this strange woman who spends the meetings writing in a notebook (when they don’t need me for something) as an alien to be avoided. That probably isn’t helped by the fact that they all know each other, and I know none of them except 1.
--We all know what a planner I am, and the lack of forethought put into the activities just about kills me. I get no notice of upcoming activities, no information about district events or camps, and it took over a month to get emails from anyone. If I was in charge… But I’m not gonna be! I downsized, remember? Not happening. So I suck it up and try not to complain…okay, maybe every once in a while.
Yep, its been an adventure. I’ve learned a lot more about boys and men and how they behave in groups. Hopefully, it will make my heroes that much more interesting, and help me as a mother to learn my about son.
Cub Scouts wasn’t exclusively male when we walked into our first meeting, but women were outnumbered about 10 to 1. Working and volunteering in solely female environments has been my lifetime experience, so I viewed all that testosterone with quite a few nerves.
But my Little Man wanted to do this, so I sucked it up and viewed it as an adventure. Boy, did I learn a lot. :)
--A chance to study males interacting with other males, from youth to adults, was eye-opening…and a little disturbing. Did you know that men can be even bigger gossips than women? At least, here in the south they are. Overhearing these conversations is both surprising and amusing – I’ve learned the full dish on so-and-so’s ex-wife, parents-in-law, and mutual friends.
--They really do care more about sports than I can fathom, and can talk about it for longer than I care to listen. But I guess I’m the same about writing (which I think is way more important), so I shouldn’t judge. Except when they talk over the den leader in their eagerness to argue stats. You’re adults for goodness sake! Be quiet.
--Putting on those uniforms can give both boys and men a whole new demeanor. They stand a little straighter, hold their heads higher, and get a whole aura of importance. I’m glad my son can experience that pride at his age. I think it helps boys grow into men who understand what they are capable of, what they can aspire to.
--These men tend to view this strange woman who spends the meetings writing in a notebook (when they don’t need me for something) as an alien to be avoided. That probably isn’t helped by the fact that they all know each other, and I know none of them except 1.
--We all know what a planner I am, and the lack of forethought put into the activities just about kills me. I get no notice of upcoming activities, no information about district events or camps, and it took over a month to get emails from anyone. If I was in charge… But I’m not gonna be! I downsized, remember? Not happening. So I suck it up and try not to complain…okay, maybe every once in a while.
Yep, its been an adventure. I’ve learned a lot more about boys and men and how they behave in groups. Hopefully, it will make my heroes that much more interesting, and help me as a mother to learn my about son.
There are some days when just looking at my To Do list can give me a panic attack. The list grows and grows, no matter now much I mark off of it. Until sometimes I can feel like I'm drowning in stuff that needs to be done.
Admitting that honestly showed me that there are many reasons as parents, spouses, writers, employees, etc, that we might feel the need to cut back on our responsibilities and commitments. For myself, I had to cut back when I had new babies, when I took on a job outside the home, and now that my oldest child has extra curricular activities that require being driven. But most recently I upped my day job to full-time and my downtime to non-existent because I've taken on too many commitments and find myself completely overwhelmed. I bet no one does that but me, huh?
1. Evaluate priorities.
I have this unbearable urge to throw up my hands and chuck it all -- but it doesn't stick with me for long. I'm too much of a planner (nice word for obsessive) for that. Way before any cutting or confirmation happens, take a step back and a good look at your goals and direction. For me, this means taking care of my family financially and emotionally. Then furthering my writing craft and publishing career, and preserving the joy of my creativity. Taking care of myself physically and emotionally, so I can do everything else on this list. Did I mention I need to breathe sometimes? Finally, taking care of my extended family and very close friends in a way that protects those relationships and allows me to show these people my love for them.
2. Line up commitments.
Then I put my compulsive list-making to good use! I make a long, long list of everything I've got going on (and it seems to grow every day -- how does THAT happen?). I like paper, some of my friends use computer programs. For those of you who aren't list-obsessive like me, maybe a mental checklist would work? Then compare those things to the priorities list. And yes, I'll admit to trying to spread my list-making disease. :)
3. The Dreaded Cut
This is the part I hate. Some things are so easy to give up, and others I really struggle with, but I always seem to feel better once the decision is made. As I mentioned earlier, between the job, writing, and growing children, I've had to make more and more cuts. I no longer have much time during the week to see friends, but I try to make time once a month to do that on a weekend. I try to do as many of my daughter's band activities as possible, but told her not to plan on going to any out of town competitions because of time/money. I’ve given up all of my local writing chapter volunteer duties and only volunteer for 1 event per year for each of the kids. I make it count – often heading up a function – but that’s the only thing I do.
But its not just about cutting, its about deciding what is important enough to keep. Is there a particular project that means a great deal to you? And by that, I mean almost as important as your family. Will this volunteer opportunity serve you or your career in some way? Why do you want to put it on the keep list? Do you have a full understanding of everything that it will entail?
4. Evaluate any new opportunities that come along
Yeah, I can Epic Fail at this one really easy, so I have to be really careful and uber aware.
Recently I had chance to work on a large organization committee. I'd just offloaded all of my local chapter responsibilities, and wasn't sure about adding anything back on. But after evaluating the Pros and Cons, the benefits outweighed the amount of time it would require of me -- so I took it. The point here is that I thought about it first. I didn't jump first and regret later.
Do you ever go back and reevaluate the chaos that is your life? How do you decide what to keep and when something's gotta go?