This year, our school system moved up our start time to make way for a fall break. I love fall break, but starting school so early is a bit strange. :) Still, we packed our lunch boxes and backpacks and sent the kids out the door yesterday to begin their new year of school.
Maybe this is why fall feels like such a new beginning for me every year. This milestone means new teachers, new classrooms (and new school supplies!!!). Yes, I'm an office supply junkie, so I love back-to-school shopping.
It's also a great time to start a new project! And that's exactly what I'm doing this year. I've started writing Zachary Gatlin's book, which will be a fourth in the Mill Town Millionaires series for Harlequin Desire. I've discovered that Zachary is very strong and almost stern. His heroine, Kenna, is also strong, but in her own quiet way. I love learning all the nuances of new characters! I hope I can share more of them with you soon.
What about you? Are your kids still in the cycle of school starts? Or is fall simply another season for you? For those of you who are overseas, when do your children begin their new school years?
Dani
You’d think after being a parent for 15 years, that I’d know a bit about quality time. But try as I might to “create” quality time, I find the most special of gems come in ways I least expect.
Like in the car. It’s amazing the things kids will talk about while you’re driving down the road. Yeah, the kinds of things that might make you swerve. LOL
About a year ago, my son started taking karate. He fell in love with the sport instantly. I was so proud of him as he moved up through the belt ranks! To see your child, who has never had a passion for anything before, suddenly become eager to workout—well, its great!
And deep down inside, I found it fascinating. I wondered how it would feel to do the moves and attend classes—but I was afraid. I’m a forty year old mother of 2, shaped like a potato with legs. I just knew I’d look stupid in the gee and doing the techniques.
Until January 2015. That’s when I decided it was ridiculous for me to sit and watch class when I needed exercise. So I signed up.
The good news: no one laughed.
The even better news: my son is thrilled. We encouraged each other to practice, compliment each others techniques (my Little Man is a wonderful giver of encouragement), and since I graduated to yellow belt, we’ve begun sparring together.
And we talk—not just about karate. And the drives to and from class, just the two of us, are some of the most special memories I have with him. He can be funny, surprisingly insightful, and inquisitive. It’s been one of the most rewarding activities I’ve done with one of my kids (or even just for myself).
What’s the most rewarding thing you’ve done for yourself? What’s your favorite way to spend time with your kids?
Dani
And deep down inside, I found it fascinating. I wondered how it would feel to do the moves and attend classes—but I was afraid. I’m a forty year old mother of 2, shaped like a potato with legs. I just knew I’d look stupid in the gee and doing the techniques.
Until January 2015. That’s when I decided it was ridiculous for me to sit and watch class when I needed exercise. So I signed up.
The good news: no one laughed.
The even better news: my son is thrilled. We encouraged each other to practice, compliment each others techniques (my Little Man is a wonderful giver of encouragement), and since I graduated to yellow belt, we’ve begun sparring together.
And we talk—not just about karate. And the drives to and from class, just the two of us, are some of the most special memories I have with him. He can be funny, surprisingly insightful, and inquisitive. It’s been one of the most rewarding activities I’ve done with one of my kids (or even just for myself).
What’s the most rewarding thing you’ve done for yourself? What’s your favorite way to spend time with your kids?
Dani
A couple of weeks ago, I packed my bags and headed out of town. No hubby or kids. No girlfriends. No fellow authors. Just me, my computer, and my characters for 4 days. Like a writing retreat, but solo.
At first, it always feels a little weird. But I've spent so many years writing out by myself or with author Ella Sheridan than I'm used to it. To feel the complete silence of the hotel room, and know that I wouldn't be interrupted was a relief. I've been pushing pretty hard over the past year, through working with kids in the room, scribbling notes at the day job, pushing through to write in short periods of time where its hard to immerse myself in my characters. Yeah, relief was an understatement.
I took Nate and Sara's novella with me. My goal was to finish it, which I didn't. But I made really good progress. Even more important, I was able to sink into the characters and reacquaint myself with them. Spend time thinking about what they would do and say, without the pressure to finish before someone needed something.
I think this is a great way to refill our creative well. I talk often about "refilling the well" in terms of renewing our energy, etc., but this is about the creative part of our lives. It reminded me to find ways to reconnect with this part of my life also, which will improve my writing, and also my enjoyment of my writing. That was a happy thing!
[caption id="attachment_1061" align="alignleft" width="150"]
I wish this was my hotel room. Wouldn't that have been atmospheric?[/caption]
Another happy thing is going on today! I'm sharing on 2 other blogs and I hope you will join me. I'm over with the Nice Girls talking about, guess what, refilling the well. :) And my latest hero, Jacob Blackstone (The Blackstone Heir), is being featured on the USA Today Happily Ever After blog with some other chivalrous heroes.
What's your happy thing today?
Dani
I took Nate and Sara's novella with me. My goal was to finish it, which I didn't. But I made really good progress. Even more important, I was able to sink into the characters and reacquaint myself with them. Spend time thinking about what they would do and say, without the pressure to finish before someone needed something.
I think this is a great way to refill our creative well. I talk often about "refilling the well" in terms of renewing our energy, etc., but this is about the creative part of our lives. It reminded me to find ways to reconnect with this part of my life also, which will improve my writing, and also my enjoyment of my writing. That was a happy thing!
[caption id="attachment_1061" align="alignleft" width="150"]
I wish this was my hotel room. Wouldn't that have been atmospheric?[/caption]
Another happy thing is going on today! I'm sharing on 2 other blogs and I hope you will join me. I'm over with the Nice Girls talking about, guess what, refilling the well. :) And my latest hero, Jacob Blackstone (The Blackstone Heir), is being featured on the USA Today Happily Ever After blog with some other chivalrous heroes.
What's your happy thing today?
Dani
Summer is tough for me—not in the same it was when I was a Stay At Home Mom. Instead of going stir crazy at home with my kids, wondering what they’re doing, how can I arrange for them to have more fun during the summer, and always, always—have I made choices that are shortchanging my kids?
I’m never with them during the weekdays anymore, so I have to ask other people to watch them (which doesn’t always equal fun). I feel guilty for asking other people to take them places, do things with them. When I’m not at the Day Job, I’m trying to write, which is also not fun for them. Though sometimes I take them to things and write while they’re occupied. I try to say “yes” to weekend activities, then feel guilty when I get zero writing done.
Motherhood isn’t just tough, it’s a tug of war.
I never thought I’d resent having to leave someone else with my children every day—I also never understood the guilt that accompanies having no choice but to do that.
What do I give up? Where do I cut back? What does that mean in terms of my writing career? I’m already slow to release my books because of my other obligations.
No one said parenting would be easy. It’s the hardest, most emotional investment I’ve ever made. In the end, the question of whether I’ve made the best choices can’t be answered. Maybe after they’re grown and gone and its too late for me to change anything. But as a counselor friend of mine once said, “The fact that you question yourself makes you a good mother. Some mothers never do.”
What's the biggest thing you question as a mom?
Dani
I’m never with them during the weekdays anymore, so I have to ask other people to watch them (which doesn’t always equal fun). I feel guilty for asking other people to take them places, do things with them. When I’m not at the Day Job, I’m trying to write, which is also not fun for them. Though sometimes I take them to things and write while they’re occupied. I try to say “yes” to weekend activities, then feel guilty when I get zero writing done.
Motherhood isn’t just tough, it’s a tug of war.
I never thought I’d resent having to leave someone else with my children every day—I also never understood the guilt that accompanies having no choice but to do that.
What do I give up? Where do I cut back? What does that mean in terms of my writing career? I’m already slow to release my books because of my other obligations.
No one said parenting would be easy. It’s the hardest, most emotional investment I’ve ever made. In the end, the question of whether I’ve made the best choices can’t be answered. Maybe after they’re grown and gone and its too late for me to change anything. But as a counselor friend of mine once said, “The fact that you question yourself makes you a good mother. Some mothers never do.”
What's the biggest thing you question as a mom?
Dani
Our family experienced 3 very special occasions recently: the birth of a new cousin, assisting in another cousin’s preparations for her first military ball, and Book Worm’s birthday (which puts her solidly into teenage territory). All were emotional moments for me.
Its been a while since we had a baby in the family – 4 years, in fact. So meeting this new little one reminded me of so many things from when my kids were born. On the other hand, seeing the maturity in my niece and daughter reminded me how short of a time I have left with my oldest child.
Both of these situations led to a lot of reminiscing with my kids and husband. Hearing their questions and surprise brought home that, even though I’m a storyteller, I don’t often share the stories closest to my hear – our stories. Whereas my Mama tells family stories over and over until we know them by heart, I don’t relate so many parts of our family history that have made our family and us as individuals who we are.
We rarely have that metaphorical “sit around the campfire swapping stories” time, though when we do, my kids love it. Which means we should do it more often.
Shame on me! Looks like I have some new storytelling muscles to develop! And way more chewing the fat moments to savor in our busy lives.
Takeaway: Whether you’re a writer of not, we all of us have stories that make us who we are. What’s your favorite family story?
Dani
We rarely have that metaphorical “sit around the campfire swapping stories” time, though when we do, my kids love it. Which means we should do it more often.
Shame on me! Looks like I have some new storytelling muscles to develop! And way more chewing the fat moments to savor in our busy lives.
Takeaway: Whether you’re a writer of not, we all of us have stories that make us who we are. What’s your favorite family story?
Dani
"How can you give your family the attention they need while working full time and writing so much?"
When posed this question by another author at National Conference, I was halted in my tracks. Guilt is a problem for me. With 1 rude question, this author unknowingly hit me right in the gut. Though I'd love to be Wonder Woman (and hubby would totally dig that outfit!), I know I'm no super hero(ine). I do worry about short-changing my children or my writing, but I can't give up either. I've worked too hard for both.
I can't quit my day job, as much as I'd like to, because my family needs me to work for a steady income. At least for the time being. That's simply life at this moment. And as much as I'd like to complain about it, I won't. My hubby has gone above and beyond to take care of the kids and family responsibilities so I have more time to write. I won't fuss about the demands on my time when he has just as many on his.
So this is a dilemma I have struggled with since I went back to work full-time, particularly when I'm on a deadline or have to say "no" when my kids want something because there aren't enough minutes in the day.
So when I heard Kristan Higgins speak at RWA Nationals, it truly struck a chord. Both lunch speeches were awesome (other was Cathy Maxwell), but 1 particular statement by Kristen pierced my heart. It wasn't the focus of the speech in actuality, probably something she ad-libbed. But it was something I desperately needed at this stage of my career and life.
She talked about a time when her husband worked long hours. She was helping him study for firefighters testing and they had a small baby. In order to help their family out, she strapped the baby to her chest while she cleaned a few houses. "Women do what they need to," she said. "If you are doing what your family needs, be proud of that."
What? I'm a mom. I'm not proud...I'm guilty of not being Super Woman!
But she's right. I should be proud--
-of finding a fulltime job that pays decent without having recent experience.
-of working every day and still chasing my dreams.
-for teaching my children that dreams are worth sacrifice and hard work.
-for focusing on my children in the time I have with them.
-Making an effort to include fun activities or things they want to do when I can.
-expressing my gratitude for and to those who help me, including my husband, kids, mother, mother-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, and many others.
That, I think, is something to be proud of! All of you hardworking moms and dads out there, what are you proud of today? Give yourself a shout out! You deserve it!!!!
Dani
I can't quit my day job, as much as I'd like to, because my family needs me to work for a steady income. At least for the time being. That's simply life at this moment. And as much as I'd like to complain about it, I won't. My hubby has gone above and beyond to take care of the kids and family responsibilities so I have more time to write. I won't fuss about the demands on my time when he has just as many on his.
So this is a dilemma I have struggled with since I went back to work full-time, particularly when I'm on a deadline or have to say "no" when my kids want something because there aren't enough minutes in the day.
So when I heard Kristan Higgins speak at RWA Nationals, it truly struck a chord. Both lunch speeches were awesome (other was Cathy Maxwell), but 1 particular statement by Kristen pierced my heart. It wasn't the focus of the speech in actuality, probably something she ad-libbed. But it was something I desperately needed at this stage of my career and life.
She talked about a time when her husband worked long hours. She was helping him study for firefighters testing and they had a small baby. In order to help their family out, she strapped the baby to her chest while she cleaned a few houses. "Women do what they need to," she said. "If you are doing what your family needs, be proud of that."
What? I'm a mom. I'm not proud...I'm guilty of not being Super Woman!
But she's right. I should be proud--
-of finding a fulltime job that pays decent without having recent experience.
-of working every day and still chasing my dreams.
-for teaching my children that dreams are worth sacrifice and hard work.
-for focusing on my children in the time I have with them.
-Making an effort to include fun activities or things they want to do when I can.
-expressing my gratitude for and to those who help me, including my husband, kids, mother, mother-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, and many others.
That, I think, is something to be proud of! All of you hardworking moms and dads out there, what are you proud of today? Give yourself a shout out! You deserve it!!!!
Dani
The majority of women who have ever given birth have felt it – that little niggle of low grade vibration in the back of your brain. The feeling appears every time you try to go somewhere alone, leave your child with a sitter, or wish for a few more minutes of sleep despite the crying noises on the monitor. Basically, any time you even think about putting your own wants or needs above your child’s. One would think this physical manifestation of guilt would disappear as children get old, but in certain areas it never goes away completely.
My kids are now old enough to fold their own laundry, fix some basic meals, and clean the bathroom. Despite their growing self-sufficiency, I still feel guilty for leaving them to their own devices in the evenings so I can write. The hubby says they’ll be fine, but he has no clue how hard it is to turn off Mommy Guilt.
There are a few (very few) techniques I’ve learned over the years to combat that niggling feeling. Maybe if I write them all down in one place, I’ll remember to use them during my upcoming writing push.
1. Cuddle First, Work Later
Okay, so my kids are really too big now to cuddle, but it doesn’t stop them from trying…or from wanting attention. I find there are fewer interruptions if I give them some one-on-one time before I work, rather than after. Fill up the attention-deficit, and they’re usually good for a while.
2. Distraction
I’ve heard all the childcare experts, but I’m still not above using the television, video games, computer, etc. to distract my kids while I work. I simply save it for when I know I’ll be busy, then turn them loose.
3. Firm Boundaries
I’m lucky in that my kids still want to talk to me all the time. But that makes working at home hard. Now that my kids are old enough, I can employ the ole “don’t bother me unless there’s fire or blood” caveat. The fewer interruptions I have, the lesser my guilt, maybe because I feel less like I’m abandoning them.
Giving them a firm boundary (and specific exceptions) helps minimize interruptions. Most of the time, I’ve also employed a visual boundary as a reminder. You see, my office has an open doorway between me and the rest of the house. Its really an extension of the laundry room. So hubby helped me hang a sheet across the expanse that I can either pull back (open) or let down (closed). This door reminds the kids that mommy is working. If they stand on the other side and talk, I tell them to leave or just ignore them (every kid, no matter their age, will test his or her boundaries). But in time they’ve learned to abide by them.
These are my very slim options for managing my kids and my guilt, but I’d love to have more! How do you minimize the guilt when you know you need to take time away from being “Mommy”?
This week, my Book Worm will take a trip for a band competition and be gone to a major theme part for 5 days -- without me.
*knees go weak*
You see, as a creative person, my imagination isn't always used for good. As a matter of fact, we authors often look for the best way to screw up our characters' lives, because it makes the emotional payoff that much higher in the end. So when imagining everything that could happen to her while she's gone, my brain goes to Worst Case Scenario first.
From the Extreme: What if she's kidnapped from the park? What if her belt isn't tight enough on the rides?
Then there's the milder "mommy" worries: What if she gets lost in the park and gets scared? What if she gets sick and is afraid to ask for help? What if she spends all her money and doesn't have enough left for meals?
This imagination can so work against me here. Even though I'm friends with the Mom in charge of her walking group, the fears still run rampant.
This is a big trust challenge for her too. Because I do know that Mom, I'll really know how she acts that far away from me. Since middle school this has been a bit of a challenge. So, that's a slight fear too. Which only feeds the worry Monster.
What's the way to alleviate this? Well, I don't have a lot of answers here. I can't make it go away altogether. But I'm trying to at least lower the worry quotient by:
1. Redirecting my thoughts. Distraction is my friend during these times, as well as Facebook. :)
2. Talk to her. Instead of bombarding her all at once, I've been dropping little tidbits like, "Pay attention and don't wander from your group for any reason" when I can slip it naturally into the conversation. It helps that she's so excited that she wants to talk about the trip ALL THE TIME.
3. Pray. Being a Mom has strengthened my need for faith. I can't be with her always, but God can. I believe He hears every fervent prayer, and won't allow anything to happen that we can't handle with His help.
4. Remember, we've been teaching her for years. She can't prove herself trustworthy without the opportunity. And mistakes are the best learning experiences -- even if, as a mother, I'd rather not see her have to experience anything bad.
So I'm open to advice about surviving this new milestone (especially since I'm sure I'll face many more of these moments during the teen years).
Dani
P.S. Check in tomorrow! It's Release Day for Finding Her Rhythm!!!!
Aargh! I’m drowning in work stuff, kid stuff, writing stuff…and now my brain has said its HAD ENOUGH!
Sound familiar? Or am I the only over-achiever wannabe in the room? I want to be the best Mom, wife, daughter, employee, writer I can be. Until I run down with exhaustion. Not good.
So I’m adopting a concept I’ve used with my kids and have heard of others doing. I take a “Mental Health Day”. As a planner, mine have an agenda, of course. They must involve some combination of the following:
1. No work.
That means no day job (if I have PTO, sometimes even if I don’t), but sometimes I schedule it for those oh-too-few Monday holidays. It also means no writing, typing, research, blogging, etc. Yes, writing is fun, but its work for the brain – which needs rest and recuperation.
2. Have fun.
No dishes or laundry. Only activities that I enjoy and refill my depleted energy and enthusiasm. Mine include: reading, watching movies, and scrapbooking.
3. Take a nap.
My perfect day includes an uninterrupted nap. That’s just me. You might have a different heavenly activity, but I love to snuggle down into a fuzzy blanket mid-afternoon and drift away for a while.
I don't get to indulge in them nearly often enough, but I think days whose sole purpose is to renew and refresh your brain are very important. Those are my 3 must-haves for a perfect Mental Health Day. What are yours?
Sound familiar? Or am I the only over-achiever wannabe in the room? I want to be the best Mom, wife, daughter, employee, writer I can be. Until I run down with exhaustion. Not good.
So I’m adopting a concept I’ve used with my kids and have heard of others doing. I take a “Mental Health Day”. As a planner, mine have an agenda, of course. They must involve some combination of the following:
1. No work.
That means no day job (if I have PTO, sometimes even if I don’t), but sometimes I schedule it for those oh-too-few Monday holidays. It also means no writing, typing, research, blogging, etc. Yes, writing is fun, but its work for the brain – which needs rest and recuperation.
2. Have fun.
No dishes or laundry. Only activities that I enjoy and refill my depleted energy and enthusiasm. Mine include: reading, watching movies, and scrapbooking.
3. Take a nap.
My perfect day includes an uninterrupted nap. That’s just me. You might have a different heavenly activity, but I love to snuggle down into a fuzzy blanket mid-afternoon and drift away for a while.
I don't get to indulge in them nearly often enough, but I think days whose sole purpose is to renew and refresh your brain are very important. Those are my 3 must-haves for a perfect Mental Health Day. What are yours?
It’s eventually the lament of all mothers – my baby is growing up.
Mothers feel it at every stage – first tooth, first steps, first day of school, braces and so on. So many milestones in our children’s lives that prompt us to immerse ourselves in memories even while we celebrate every new stage.
This week, I’ll once more reminisce about my baby girl, and step with fear and trembling (and pride too) into the unknown territory of the teenage years. In the last year, she’s grown taller than me, started experimenting with make-up, and learned to tame her mass of curly hair. She’s managing middle school and even walked dogs for money over the summer. I can’t believe how grown she acts sometimes, but we still glimpse enough of the kid in her to smile at occasionally.
I, myself, am not ready for what I’m sure is coming, and I think that’s the source of my fear. Will I know how to assist and guide her through school troubles, boy troubles, and myriad new situations? Will she still talk to me? Will she listen, even a little bit?
Either way, I’ll wake her with a Happy Birthday and watch as she fixes her hair and puts on make-up, going off to school looking like the cool teenager she is now. Because time keeps moving forward, even when I long for the simpler days of her childhood.
If y’all have any advice for me, I’d love to hear it! Or tell me a favorite memory of time with your parents during your teenage years.
I, myself, am not ready for what I’m sure is coming, and I think that’s the source of my fear. Will I know how to assist and guide her through school troubles, boy troubles, and myriad new situations? Will she still talk to me? Will she listen, even a little bit?
Either way, I’ll wake her with a Happy Birthday and watch as she fixes her hair and puts on make-up, going off to school looking like the cool teenager she is now. Because time keeps moving forward, even when I long for the simpler days of her childhood.
If y’all have any advice for me, I’d love to hear it! Or tell me a favorite memory of time with your parents during your teenage years.